In the middle of a panic attack, freaking out because i've just realised there's less than two weeks to the deadline of the dissertation. can't even finish my second chapter. Dizzy, fuzzy feeling in my head. Hard to breathe. Tingly hands.... How am i going to finish it? I've been trying to finish off this section for the past two days. And i just can't find anything to write. There's just nothing out there.
And i don't know why i feel so tired all the time. I can barely look at the screen for three seconds in a row without having to close them for a while. my mind is still active i'm just so sleepy. I can't concentrate enough to read this stuff. I don't want to have til the end of april to do it, because i'll end up failing my exams. I just need more time. how am i meant to get my multimedia done too???? This is crazy, how do SD do this every year.
I don't even want an extension cos then i'll be stuck doing it til august. i just need there to be more time between now and the 6th of march. It's not going to happen. I am not going to get this finished.
Ok rant over. No point wasting time talking about it, when i could be spending this time actually doing it. well, no, struggling to concentrate more like.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Do i deserve better?
I woke up this morning and at some point the thought had entered my head about the cake mick got me for my birthday. I am pissed off about this. I put in time and effort into getting his cake for his birthday and only because i mentioned something about never having gotten a cake a few months ago he decides he'll get me one. I ordered his cake nearly a week before hand, and got happy birthday mick written on it, and it happened to be quite a nice cake.
But he decided i wasn't worth the bother, and just went and bought one from dunnes the evening of my birthday just before i came home. And if he'd bothered to read the ingredients he might have noticed there was something in it that i don't like. But he didn't. either that or he doesn't know that i don't like it. Now maybe if the cake had actually turned out to be nice i wouldn't feel so pissed off about the whole thing, but then maybe not.
I put in significantly more effort than he did. Why should i go to that much bother, well thought moreso and he just go off and buy one, that i'm not going to like, probably at the last minute, cos he forgot before.
And christmas, we said we wouldn't bother with gifts, well i did of course, not that i think he'd bothered much at that point anyway, but i said we'd work on it after christmas. But he never gave it a second thought i'm sure. I'm always thinking of things he'd like, and he never even thought about that again. Well i don't have a gift anyway.... not that it's about the present. As is the cake.
It's about the thought. And the point is he doesn't put any effort into things. When i'm out and about i see things in shop windows and i always place him with it, like i know if he'd like something or not (well maybe not for sure but at least i think of him). But I never get the impression he thinks about me. because if he did wouldn't i surely have gotten something for christmas or my birthday...? But he probably said to himself well she said we weren't going to get presents so i better not bother even thinking about it, ever again. I don't get why it's such a big deal to just pay attention to these kinds of things.
This whole thing is about me feeling like i always put more effort into things. And i'm not living with that. It matters to me that you think about me, and that when you see some things they make you think about me. whether i'd like it or i wouldn't. I just never feel like anything comes from him. if he knows me for my next birthday he'll probably go off and order a big chocolate cake. probably. but he doesn't get that it's not the point. it's too late doing it after i've pointed it out that you didn't do it. It's that fact that he puts no thought into me that he doesn't have to. I've spent the last three years struggling to teach you everything that you actually know now. It's just not possible to teach you how to treat me better when you just don't want to. If you wanted to treat me better you would there wouldn't be any of this teaching shit. you should just know how to treat someone you supposedly care about. you should just know
But he decided i wasn't worth the bother, and just went and bought one from dunnes the evening of my birthday just before i came home. And if he'd bothered to read the ingredients he might have noticed there was something in it that i don't like. But he didn't. either that or he doesn't know that i don't like it. Now maybe if the cake had actually turned out to be nice i wouldn't feel so pissed off about the whole thing, but then maybe not.
I put in significantly more effort than he did. Why should i go to that much bother, well thought moreso and he just go off and buy one, that i'm not going to like, probably at the last minute, cos he forgot before.
And christmas, we said we wouldn't bother with gifts, well i did of course, not that i think he'd bothered much at that point anyway, but i said we'd work on it after christmas. But he never gave it a second thought i'm sure. I'm always thinking of things he'd like, and he never even thought about that again. Well i don't have a gift anyway.... not that it's about the present. As is the cake.
It's about the thought. And the point is he doesn't put any effort into things. When i'm out and about i see things in shop windows and i always place him with it, like i know if he'd like something or not (well maybe not for sure but at least i think of him). But I never get the impression he thinks about me. because if he did wouldn't i surely have gotten something for christmas or my birthday...? But he probably said to himself well she said we weren't going to get presents so i better not bother even thinking about it, ever again. I don't get why it's such a big deal to just pay attention to these kinds of things.
This whole thing is about me feeling like i always put more effort into things. And i'm not living with that. It matters to me that you think about me, and that when you see some things they make you think about me. whether i'd like it or i wouldn't. I just never feel like anything comes from him. if he knows me for my next birthday he'll probably go off and order a big chocolate cake. probably. but he doesn't get that it's not the point. it's too late doing it after i've pointed it out that you didn't do it. It's that fact that he puts no thought into me that he doesn't have to. I've spent the last three years struggling to teach you everything that you actually know now. It's just not possible to teach you how to treat me better when you just don't want to. If you wanted to treat me better you would there wouldn't be any of this teaching shit. you should just know how to treat someone you supposedly care about. you should just know
Friday, February 20, 2009
Regrets?
I wonder what are the things that I will regret.
People say you should live to never regret anything but in fairness that's just bullshit. You just can't look back on everything bad that happened and say well i don't regret anything. I get that you learn stuff from this kinda thing but surely if we had the option to erase it and do something different we would?
Well I think I would anyway. Although I have to say thinking about it there isn't that much that I regret. Plus hindsight is a great thing. If only you could have seen at the time what was really going on. But then that's not to say you hadn't good reason to think you knew what was going on at the time.
What do I regret. I regret letting my first relationship go on for so long when it was so bad.
I regret moving in with the cultish crowd last year. Because I could excuse it if I learned anything from it, but I didn't. Well the thoughts that they're all idiotic children was just re-inforced, so not really like I learned anything. Was moreso just proved right.
I wonder do most of our regrets come from things that didn't work out. And that if they had would we not regret them? Because then that's just a matter of chance really. Most of the time it seems these types of things are down to other people, and how they react, which you can't help. So why would you regret it? hmmmmmm.
So now I'm thinking what will i regret in five years time? I'd like to be able to predict it. It's likely to be either that I wasted so much time on mick, or that I didn't just go to him and say we can start over. and just get over everything. Of course if things really were to go the way i'd like i wouldn't be regretting either. But time has taught me better than this. Because he doesn't want me. I realise that now. And what I don't want (again) is to regret putting myself in a position where someone else can reject me after spending so long trying to make a half decent relationship with security and love.
I think that at some time I will regret having spent so much time worrying about everything. I know now that it's not good, and completely pointless, and it makes me physically unwell between my IBS and panic attacks, but it's a way of life, and it's not that easy just to stop. I'm learning. Just very slowly. At a tortoises pace.
People say you should live to never regret anything but in fairness that's just bullshit. You just can't look back on everything bad that happened and say well i don't regret anything. I get that you learn stuff from this kinda thing but surely if we had the option to erase it and do something different we would?
Well I think I would anyway. Although I have to say thinking about it there isn't that much that I regret. Plus hindsight is a great thing. If only you could have seen at the time what was really going on. But then that's not to say you hadn't good reason to think you knew what was going on at the time.
What do I regret. I regret letting my first relationship go on for so long when it was so bad.
I regret moving in with the cultish crowd last year. Because I could excuse it if I learned anything from it, but I didn't. Well the thoughts that they're all idiotic children was just re-inforced, so not really like I learned anything. Was moreso just proved right.
I wonder do most of our regrets come from things that didn't work out. And that if they had would we not regret them? Because then that's just a matter of chance really. Most of the time it seems these types of things are down to other people, and how they react, which you can't help. So why would you regret it? hmmmmmm.
So now I'm thinking what will i regret in five years time? I'd like to be able to predict it. It's likely to be either that I wasted so much time on mick, or that I didn't just go to him and say we can start over. and just get over everything. Of course if things really were to go the way i'd like i wouldn't be regretting either. But time has taught me better than this. Because he doesn't want me. I realise that now. And what I don't want (again) is to regret putting myself in a position where someone else can reject me after spending so long trying to make a half decent relationship with security and love.
I think that at some time I will regret having spent so much time worrying about everything. I know now that it's not good, and completely pointless, and it makes me physically unwell between my IBS and panic attacks, but it's a way of life, and it's not that easy just to stop. I'm learning. Just very slowly. At a tortoises pace.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Thoughts on a thursday afternoon
I know now that everyone thinks I'm too serious. And some think that I'm just a bitch.
The thing is, I'm not going to say they're right or wrong. Because I suppose at least I realise it's a matter of opinion, and depending on how much you know about me you might come to that conclusion. So I don't really care anymore. I'm fine with people seeing me as a bitch. or too serious. Because if you're someone who hasn't taken the time to get to know me then you wouldn't know half the things that affect me. I know I'm a decent person. I know that there are people that think I'm horrible, but I know better. I am the only one that knows the things that I know.
I'm sick. I'm sick because I've spent almost a week crying and getting panic attacks over my mam, and over mick. I went home last weekend, and mam has lost a dangerous amount of weight, she can't eat because everything makes her sick. And I only realised after dad spoke to me that he's worried it's another tumour that's making her vomit. He left me, with the thought that he doesn't think there's much more the doctors can do for her, that she can't get better to go back on the chemo, and so that's it. In the meantime she's gone back into hospital. And they think it's actually a bug she picked up from the hospital, or from a visitor. She's in isolation. But dad said she's feeling a bit better. And at least she can eat food again. Though not much. So with some sort of improvement over the next week, there's a chance that she may be able to go back on to chemo. Doesn't really seem like such a nice thing to be wishing for for someone.
I have to live with mick. He has made no gestures to show he's interested in being with me. All he'll do is say he wants to be with me. But that's where it ends. I've told him quite a number of times that i don't have any option but to live here, with him, and to see him in college every day, and I've asked him to leave me alone, if he's not bothered about being with me. But he won't. He just keeps talking to me. And because I don't want to seem a bitch in front of everyone at college, I've been forced to talk back. But not anymore. Everyone can think what they like. I actually don't care anymore. I will not spend every day of the next three months upset, especially over him when all along this decision has been in his hands. He's chosen for things to be like this. And I can't make him want to be with me, or to actually treat me like a decent human being. I can't make anyone think I'm not a bitch. So if that's what they think, that's ok. Because there are more important things to me right now than whether or not people think I'm a bit too serious.
I'm going to do what I need to do for myself. I can't keep taking responsibility for what other people do, and think. I am one person, I am no one's mother, I have no responsibilities to people that treat me like shit.
The thing is, I'm not going to say they're right or wrong. Because I suppose at least I realise it's a matter of opinion, and depending on how much you know about me you might come to that conclusion. So I don't really care anymore. I'm fine with people seeing me as a bitch. or too serious. Because if you're someone who hasn't taken the time to get to know me then you wouldn't know half the things that affect me. I know I'm a decent person. I know that there are people that think I'm horrible, but I know better. I am the only one that knows the things that I know.
I'm sick. I'm sick because I've spent almost a week crying and getting panic attacks over my mam, and over mick. I went home last weekend, and mam has lost a dangerous amount of weight, she can't eat because everything makes her sick. And I only realised after dad spoke to me that he's worried it's another tumour that's making her vomit. He left me, with the thought that he doesn't think there's much more the doctors can do for her, that she can't get better to go back on the chemo, and so that's it. In the meantime she's gone back into hospital. And they think it's actually a bug she picked up from the hospital, or from a visitor. She's in isolation. But dad said she's feeling a bit better. And at least she can eat food again. Though not much. So with some sort of improvement over the next week, there's a chance that she may be able to go back on to chemo. Doesn't really seem like such a nice thing to be wishing for for someone.
I have to live with mick. He has made no gestures to show he's interested in being with me. All he'll do is say he wants to be with me. But that's where it ends. I've told him quite a number of times that i don't have any option but to live here, with him, and to see him in college every day, and I've asked him to leave me alone, if he's not bothered about being with me. But he won't. He just keeps talking to me. And because I don't want to seem a bitch in front of everyone at college, I've been forced to talk back. But not anymore. Everyone can think what they like. I actually don't care anymore. I will not spend every day of the next three months upset, especially over him when all along this decision has been in his hands. He's chosen for things to be like this. And I can't make him want to be with me, or to actually treat me like a decent human being. I can't make anyone think I'm not a bitch. So if that's what they think, that's ok. Because there are more important things to me right now than whether or not people think I'm a bit too serious.
I'm going to do what I need to do for myself. I can't keep taking responsibility for what other people do, and think. I am one person, I am no one's mother, I have no responsibilities to people that treat me like shit.
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