Thoughts on a thursday afternoon

I know now that everyone thinks I'm too serious. And some think that I'm just a bitch.

The thing is, I'm not going to say they're right or wrong. Because I suppose at least I realise it's a matter of opinion, and depending on how much you know about me you might come to that conclusion. So I don't really care anymore. I'm fine with people seeing me as a bitch. or too serious. Because if you're someone who hasn't taken the time to get to know me then you wouldn't know half the things that affect me. I know I'm a decent person. I know that there are people that think I'm horrible, but I know better. I am the only one that knows the things that I know.

I'm sick. I'm sick because I've spent almost a week crying and getting panic attacks over my mam, and over mick. I went home last weekend, and mam has lost a dangerous amount of weight, she can't eat because everything makes her sick. And I only realised after dad spoke to me that he's worried it's another tumour that's making her vomit. He left me, with the thought that he doesn't think there's much more the doctors can do for her, that she can't get better to go back on the chemo, and so that's it. In the meantime she's gone back into hospital. And they think it's actually a bug she picked up from the hospital, or from a visitor. She's in isolation. But dad said she's feeling a bit better. And at least she can eat food again. Though not much. So with some sort of improvement over the next week, there's a chance that she may be able to go back on to chemo. Doesn't really seem like such a nice thing to be wishing for for someone.

I have to live with mick. He has made no gestures to show he's interested in being with me. All he'll do is say he wants to be with me. But that's where it ends. I've told him quite a number of times that i don't have any option but to live here, with him, and to see him in college every day, and I've asked him to leave me alone, if he's not bothered about being with me. But he won't. He just keeps talking to me. And because I don't want to seem a bitch in front of everyone at college, I've been forced to talk back. But not anymore. Everyone can think what they like. I actually don't care anymore. I will not spend every day of the next three months upset, especially over him when all along this decision has been in his hands. He's chosen for things to be like this. And I can't make him want to be with me, or to actually treat me like a decent human being. I can't make anyone think I'm not a bitch. So if that's what they think, that's ok. Because there are more important things to me right now than whether or not people think I'm a bit too serious.

I'm going to do what I need to do for myself. I can't keep taking responsibility for what other people do, and think. I am one person, I am no one's mother, I have no responsibilities to people that treat me like shit.